SYFY movie of the week: Sharktopus

[DXmagma]

Some movies are bad. Some movies are so good they're bad. Then there's sharktopus. Has it settled in yet?



Welcome to syfy movie of the week, my weekly review of whatever crap syfy shovels in the 9:00 time slot on saturday night, and then I review it, like a real movie. Think that's gonna be my new tagline. Anyways this week movie is sharktopus. Sharktopus. Has it settled in yet? No? Well you can stop trying, it's NEVER gonna settle in.

also, let me take a minute to say i'm sorry  about skipping vacancy 2, but due to forces out of my control (my friend bringing over a copy of spiderman 2, a PHENOMALLY better movie) I couldn't finish it.

Okay! To the movie! Okay sharktopus. Sharktopus. Whats to say? I mean, before watching this movie I tried to find more information on sharktopus, but all I found was an uncyclopedia article on how they survived the clone wars. I actually thoroughly enjoyed that article, you should look it up.

However, where I thought sharktopus was a sequel to megashark vs giant octopus, and the sharktopus was created by the unholy reunion of the two, but that's not the case. Turns out sharktopus has nothing to do with that film. Actually, a sequel to megashark vs giant octopus entitled megashark vs Crocosaurus. So look forward to that! And the inevitable sharkadile! And the eventual destruction of time and space, sharktopus vs sharktodile! OH GOD HELP ME!

Ugh. Let's just try to get through this. Alright, so if the sharktopus isn't the demon child of megashark and giant octopus what is it? Where?s it come from? Well, let's look at the bag of syfy original movie cliches! Is it summoned from hell? No, no evil religions ever exist near the ocean, except for Atlantis of course. Is it some strange beast that was hiding out in the ocean? Wouldn't be totally unbelievable, so of course it';s not true. No, sharktopus is a military experiment!

Oh god help me. Yes, shaktopus is a military experiment. Designed by the navy for the purpose of...killing people? Why? If you want to kill people spend money on a missile, not an abomination from hell!
 
so the navy is preparing their killing machine by testing it at santa monica, a vastly populated area. That's the perfect place to test your killing machine! Anyway the mind control collar falls off and the sharktopus goes on a rampage. Couldn't glue it or duct tape it to the thing?

So it escapes and heads for Mexico, so the head of the team and his daughter who also works on the project. Also, he's a bit too touchy feely to be honest. I mean, he's obviously trying to show the dad as being over protective, but ti just comes off as creepy. Sorry I can't tell you who this actor is, but for the life of me, I can't find any information on these characters. Or the actors that play them. Though I think one of the side characters is played by Bruce of evil dead fame, but don't quote me on that.

But we don't have our young male lead! Don't worry though! Who might be living in Mexico but...that one guy who's name I forget! Yeah not many of these characters are very interesting. Anyway this guy was apparently part of the team before and is the only person who could catch the sharktopus. Apparently.

Anyway  that guy, which is now is official name for this review, joins the team for a hefty sum of 300,000 dollars. he joins them and their plan to tranquilize the sharktopus and bring it back to base to replace it's mind control collar, I guess. They never really say why.

As the movie goes on they, of course, find out the truth behind sharktopus, that he really is programmed for killing, and decide to kill it themselves. No seriously, they find out the navy killing machine is really a killing machine. Yep, syfy bag of cliches is being used to it's fullest today!

There's also another character named pez, who I actually really like. He's a grizzled old guy who is trying to make some money off of witnessing a strange creature off the coast. He's also the only person to verbally address how sad he is the creature is killing people, even if he's a really bad actor. I think he's played by Bruce as well, but again don't quote me.

Okay, so how horrible is it? Actually it's not that bad. It's absurd and stupid, but not bad by any merit. The acting could be better, but other than the male lead it's not horrible, and pez and the pirate radio guy are actually pretty good. The CGI for the shark isn't totally horrible, above land anyway, and overall the movie is actually pretty good. It's definitely fun. I ,mean, it's just fun to watch. Kinda like jaws, except stupider. Which is apparently a word.

So, there you go. Sharktopus, not as bad as I thought, which I have to admit is kinda sad. I like making fun of things, and i'm sure you like reading it. Join me next week, or this week I suppose, for our next movie, The Graves! It looks like crap and probably is! Yay...